Wait, delete that. Start over with... "Thank you."
You are the mother your child was meant to have. No one else could have had your child. They are you, in the sense that we're all connected. But mothers and children, even more so.
When you feel yourself disconnected from your child, ashamed of how you behaved around them, or frightened about a future without them, remember, your child was meant to come from you.
We can't claim total ownership or control over our children. They are their own beings. They have their own feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and experiences. Usually all of things happen without much influence from the parents.
But the wonderful thing about being a parent is you get to witness it all first hand.
This may be overwhelming. That's okay.
You're upset. That's okay. It's also okay for them to be upset.
Remember, your journey with your child is very different than their journey with you.
And no matter what you do, you will see things differently, because they are a different person.
But, still, they could have never arrived in this world without you.
Mothers are directly attached to their children. A father's attachment, physically, is more abstract.
Both are a very real emotional attachment.
A mother's post-partem depression may be more obvious because she's usually the main caregiver, but men can have post-partem depression as well.
When you are in post-partem, or really any kind of depression. That connection seems dangerous. You feel as if your children's connection to you is suffocating, your mind fantasizes about being totally free of them. Of leaving them behind, or snuffing yourself out so they can get on with their incredible lives: lives that would be better without you.
If you feel that way, please, seek help.
There is nothing wrong with you. Do not feel shame for your feelings. Do not feel guilt. But do feel your own needs and your depression and cycle of negative thoughts is a cry of help from your needs.
Post-partem depression doesn't fuck around. It will take you with it if you let it.
It is a painful process. That sometimes comes out of nowhere and can last years.
But you can also get through it.
Recently, a friend described it like this, "When you change they way you think, it's like putting your train on an entirely different track. You can't move it yourself all at once. You have to do it one tiny piece at at time."
Sometimes, you have the build the new track first, too.
Brains are flexible, though. And if your brain can get you into a bad place, it can also get you out.
The world is here and it is filled with an abundance of people who want to help you. If you don't know any right now, keep looking.
I know it sucks that your suffering is only alleviated by your own actions. When you're depressed, it's difficult. What makes it more difficult is your wanting the pain to be gone and alleviated quickly.
It's such a hard place to be, who wouldn't want to get out quickly?
You may find relief, enough relief that keeps you going for a while, but make sure it is healthy relief. Otherwise, you will feel more depleted and more ashamed for turning to things that ultimately harm yourself and/or your relationships.
The real progress is slow, steady, sometimes imperceptible progress.
But one day, you'll realize you've trekked all the way across your mind, and found a new way to see the world. A view from above, like a bird or butterfly, and you can decide where you land.
When I was depressed, that last statement would have seemed like a straight-up lie.
But at the point where I wanted to kill myself so my children wouldn't have a terrible mother, I could not afford to doubt myself anymore.
I had to believe that I could get out of it.
Does that mean everything is 100% perfect all the time now?
What it means is, even when things are going badly, I know it's a passing cloud in the sky. That the time I have on this mortal plane with my children is limited. In the short amount of time I have with them to impart any sort of impression on them, I have to teach them what I know.
And what I now know to be true is this:
You. Can. Do it.
Keep trying. Keep pushing. Keep going. And you'll get through to the other side.
Even if it seems like fields of demons are standing in your way.
You will find a way. Your own way.
None of us make it out of this world alive. Keep going until your time is up. But don't give up on yourself before then.
This is pretty dark. But I'm not depressed. I have a lot of love and compassion for you, and for myself. More than I've ever had before. And that makes it easier to overlook all the little squabbles and irritations. Is this a real issue, or is this just a minor tiny rock in my shoe? If so, stop, address the rock, toss it from thy shoe, and you can move on.
All the love to you on this day.